drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
