my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Alive.
So much puke
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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