**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
