how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
