the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
