Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
