Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
