I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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