Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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