I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Less talking, more tequila
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
