My liver just broke up with me...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
