my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
