My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
