I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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