she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
