i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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