I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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