I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
