Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
