her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
