need another drink. this is the easiest way
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
