Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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