I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
