after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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