You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
