Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
