toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real