After last night, I could never be a politician.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
