God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
