GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
