I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
