Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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