...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
