I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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