I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
