Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
