hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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