Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
