I am in a vortex of obligation.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
