drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
