I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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