Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).

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(810): View more from Michigan

So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.

(989): View more from Michigan

this is the most serious roommate agreement ever

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(815): View more from Illinois

I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome

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(706): View more from Georgia

The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled

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(240): View more from Maryland

Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going

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