You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
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whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
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I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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