My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
