So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
