I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
