I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't deserve a penis
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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