I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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