He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
