I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize