my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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