I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
