I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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