Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
