your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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