So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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