so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
