I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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