went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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